


ZIG

by orphan_account



Series: Barca [1]
Category: EasyEnders
Genre: Chryed, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-12-13
Updated: 2011-12-13
Packaged: 2017-10-27 07:32:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,216
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/293240
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You weren't expecting that, were you?</p>
            </blockquote>





	ZIG

**Author's Note:**

> I like what ifs and this is a teeny tiny one...

He knew he wasn't going to take it: he'd wait there for ages on him and he just wouldn't turn up. Christian wasn't a fool, he had to know that this was the likeliest outcome: he'd asked with only faint hope that he'd say yes.

Oh he was fully aware that Christian had no damn idea what it meant to him, what his family meant to him. How could you even discuss it with someone who was hell-bent on _proving_ to you that the things in which you set store were as nothing in comparison to _his_ values? Well Christian wouldn't see it that way, of course – that he was setting his value system _above_ Syed's - he'd simply come back with something on the lines of love not being subject to values, that it was a thing of itself, set apart from all else, above and beyond _all_ value systems.

Rubbish, of course, but no way to explain to him. Love wasn't above and beyond bloody _anything_. He loved him, really loved him, but he also loved his family and in any case it just wasn't as simple as _choosing_ which was of greater value. That was something they would simply always fail to understand in the _same_ way.

He was staying and he was getting married next year – end of story as far as he was concerned, as far as they were _both_ concerned...

**

“Do you know Christian's gone to Spain?”

Syed's fingers froze for a millisecond above the keyboard before he remembered and sent a message to them to keep typing. “I'd heard something,” he said casually, peering hard at the screen, which had suddenly become a little hard to make out. When he saw that his fingers were trembling he placed them quickly in his lap and looked up at his brother. “Why?”

Tamwar, standing, arms folded, in front of the window shrugged. “Just a bit sudden. Emigrating? Something must have happened.”

“Why do you say that? Maybe he got a job or something.”

“Well you'd have to be trying to get away from something - or some _one -_ to actually look for a job in _Spain_ though wouldn't you?”

Good old Tam, no escaping his logical mind. “Well, not any of our business is it?”

“I suppose not, but aren't you even curious? Not even a little bit?”

“He didn't tell any of us why he was leaving so I think that's pretty much telling us to mind our own business, don't you?”

“Fine, I get the message.” He turned, and pulling the curtain aside a little, peered out the window. “I'm sure there's something wrong though,” said very much to himself, but Syed recognised that look – he wouldn't let it go until he'd worked it out to his satisfaction...

**

Well maybe his mum had said something to upset their business partners, that was the only reason he could think of to explain the look Jane had just sent his way. His instinct was to ignore it, talk to her normally as if he wasn't in danger of getting frostbite just by standing this close... “How's Christian?” The wrong, absolutely the _wrong_ thing to say.

She simply stared at him, looked at him as if he were an _insect,_ then turned away and proceeded to act like she was alone in the room.

The shock of this rooted him to the spot. Did she know? How the hell could she know? And why was she blaming him for anything? He hadn't stopped Christian from leaving, had surely made it easier for him... He closed his eyes in utter disbelief at his own stupidity and obtuseness. She _did_ blame him, of course, blamed him for Christian _leaving_...

He watched her, noticing the way her mouth was fixed in a straight, unhappy line, the way a tendril of fair hair fell from its bun and touched her brow. “Jane. I'm sorry.”

He wasn't sure what he expected, if anything, just knew that he meant it, saw at last that he hadn't just disappointed Christian, he'd hurt him enough for him to _run_ from the pain. Funny how it had only been Jane's pain, her obvious blame and disapprobation that brought this home to him. In many ways he had only been able to process his _own_ pain, the fact that he missed Christian like hell, would probably _never_ get over losing him. It had been too, too much to take on Christian's pain too, but here was his sister who loved him to bits obviously suffering his loss and laying the blame firmly at his door. And with good reason. There was no other way for it to end – Christian wasn't interested in scraps from _anyone's_ table and since that was all Syed could offer him there really was no future in their relationship and realising this Christian had cut his losses. But Syed still felt that _he_ was the one to blame. He was the only one who could give Christian what he wanted and the one who was _withholding_. What he wanted from Christian... Well that would fill a book and then he'd have to go back and erase most of it as being wholly unrealistic and unattainable.

He could once again feel resentment at Christian's inability to actually see him, understand him, know that not being with him was _hell_ , not a _choice_ the way Christian seemed to believe, but the only _possible_ way to live his life – the only life that made any sense for him. Or he could try to get his sister at least to understand what Christian's absence did to him.

When Jane turned to him, clearly surprised by his tone he saw the intelligence in her eyes, saw her take him in and _get_ it. “He's not doing so good.”

Swallowing, he turned back to the vegetables. “Give it time, I'm sure he'll adjust. New city, new country, takes a bit of time...”

“He didn't tell me about you – I saw it for myself. Don't know how it took so long to be honest.” She set her knife down, turned fully to him. “I look at you, Syed, and all I see is a man who is really, really unhappy. I don't believe, now that I'm paying attention, that I've _ever_ seen you happy.” He didn't, _couldn't_ answer, kept peeling, aware that she was going to say something, perhaps many things that would probably make him weep. “Christian, on the other, I had never seen so happy – obviously not now, not now he's left you, but before that, when you were still capable of making him happy... He's not easily pleased, my brother – only _pretends_ to be easy going. I see by that look on your face that you know him pretty well. He demands a lot from the people in his life, but _gives_ a lot in return. I don't know why you, why he fell for you, but you made him happy, that's one thing I'm sure of. I'm hoping that even for a brief moment he made you happy too.”

Syed bit his lip, the blur of knife, hands and vegetables signalling the advent of tears. “He did, even when we fought, it was because I _wanted_ to be happy, but knew that wasn't something I was allowed to have.” He looked at her. “Not with him.”

“Syed.”

The outer door banged and he heard his mother's voice raised in some complaint to his dad. He and Jane exchanged a look and acknowledged that whatever moment might have been had passed.

Syed wiped his face and counted silently to 20...

**

 

“Roxy thinks it's some guy, that he got into some kind of relationship with a married man and it ended badly.”

Well he hadn't ever recognised Tam's propensity for gossip till now. Why so fascinated by Christian's love life? “Give it a rest, Tambo – anyone would think-” No, couldn't joke about that, not even _joke_ about it.

“I do not fancy him! Don't be stupid. It's just interesting that's all.”

“So you keep saying.” He stared at the television, hoping that at some point the images would actually start making _sense_.

“I'd like to go to Spain some day.”

“What?” His smile was incredulous. “Since when? You get a nosebleed at even the _thought_ of leaving the East End!”

“Ha ha very funny.” He sat on the sofa beside him. “I like that about Christian – just get up and go. Okay maybe it wasn't exactly his choice, but at least he did it – did something about it.” His sigh was huge and heavy. “I can't wait to be grown up and able to just take off whenever I want to.”

“News for you – not going to happen. Uni, marriage, kids. At what point in all of that do you ever see yourself having the freedom to simply do whatever _you_ want?” He couldn't hide the bitterness in is voice and saw that Tam recognised that.

“You do want to get married don't you?”

Syed hesitate. He hadn't meant to, but the pressure of the nights thinking of Christian, the days spent trying to _pretend_ to be coping, to be alright had obviously taken its toll. He simply couldn't say what he needed to; he _wanted_ to, but his brain just would not send the correct messages to his tongue.

“Oh,” Tam said, staring down into his face. “Oh.”

The brothers sat in silence for a long time, both of them staring sightlessly at the television.

“You do love her though, don't you?”

“Not the way I should.”

“Oh.” More silence. “So why marry her then? If you don't really love her?”

“Because he's suitable, Tam. Love isn't all there is to it.”

“But you chose her – she's your girlfriend. I mean it wasn't arranged or anything.”

Syed sighed. How to explain to anyone else when he could hardly justify or fully explain it to himself? “I-I I'm in love with someone else.”

Tamwar looked shocked. “Who? Someone on the Square?”

Well that was easy. “No, no-one on the Square.”

“So you fell in love with Amira and then met someone else?”

Syed stared at him, not knowing how they'd even _got_ there. “I thought I was in love with her until I met the other person.” A lie – he knew he wasn't in love with her, it was meeting and falling in love with Christian that made him _dissatisfied_ with his choice, before then he'd been content to make her his wife, make a life with her. After Christina everything that had seemed so shiny and desirable became drab and _wholly_ unsatisfying...

“Is she English, is that why you can't be with her?”

Ah, what a question. And how the hell was he supposed to put this on his little brother – give him this secret that would unquestionably prove an unbearable burden? Yet there was no way to lie to him, not sit there and _lie_ to his face. “That's partly it, but not the main part of it.” He examined Tamwar's expression, trying to justify the decision he'd made, made a while ago – possibly _days_ ago... “Tam, it's Christian. Christian's the one I fell in love with.”

Tam's expression didn't change at first, remained frozen. Syed kept his eye on him, didn't let him look away, needing to be in a position to read the minutest micro expression to ascertain where they stood, which way his brother would jump. “So you're the one who drove him away.” He sounded almost triumphant, as though some puzzle had been solved to his satisfaction.

“Yes.” No attempt to qualify it – it was the bald truth, after all.

Tamwar stared into his face then said something that absolutely _astonished_ him.

**

He couldn't believe he'd done this, that he was here, had actually _done_ this.

He had done many things in his life but this had taken a courage that he honestly hadn't believed he possessed.

He didn't know what he'd do if he didn't want him, was with someone else. It had only been a matter of weeks, but he knew that it was possible.

Barcelona was a beautiful city, but he was trembling with nerves, afraid that he looked a mess, that he was making the biggest mistake of his life and could hardly spare any attention for the architecture or the lovely men and women who he seemed to see on every corner, at every shop entrance. Beautiful city, beautiful people. He could see why Christian had come here..

Christian's apartment building was cool inside, healthy looking pot plants placed at strategic points in the lobby and on each lancing.

He knew when he'd reached Christian's apartment: the sound of his favourite CD elicited a smile and this more than anything drove out the nerves, replaced them with confidence, certainty.

Christian would know exactly what it meant that he was there.

No need to doubt. He knew this man, knew his heart, had _no_ reason to doubt...

He knocked and waited, the nerves now those of excited anticipation, the butterflies in his stomach the ones he got every time he saw him...

Christian didn't lower the stereo, just pulled the door open, began to speak then fell silent, eyes wide as he saw him.

“Hi.”


End file.
